Post Washington Reporter
June 1, 2008
Millions of voters will be casting their ballots on a new line of "intuitive" voting machines this November.
The "SureCheck 3000" voting machines, developed by Integrated Technologies (an I.J.I. company), uses a "cerebral stenographer" to determine "what voters really want."
"U.S. citizens deserve the most accurate technology to count their votes," said I.T. spokesperson Halley Waterson.
"Paper ballots can leave hanging-chad confusion," said Ray Depley, foreman on the IT manufacturing floor. "And paper-trails to computerized voting machines only show the actual vote that was cast, not what was best for that particular voter."
With the SureCheck machines, the voter will still enter a booth and select his or her candidates and issues from a screen.
"The only difference is the voting machine then disregards that input for what the cerebral stenographer detects," said Waterson, "and then cast the ballot appropriately- without a messy paper-trail."
"The new SureCheck 3000 will tell us what the voters really want," said Depley, "not which screen box they accidentally grazed or some flashy candidate they fell for at the last minute."
The new machines will also be able to deduce if the voter supports school levies, is threatened by gay marriage or wants prayer in school.
The intuitive voting machines come with some side-effects, however.
As many as 2% of SureCheck voters may find they've soiled themselves while using it, or worse.
"I made the mistake of looking directly into the 'mind-beam' or whatever," said George Valusia, a Tennessee truck driver who was in the last test group. "I suddenly remembered something I hadn't thought of since I was nine, when my cousins made me put on a dress and- look, I don't want to talk about it."
Still, others are willing to embrace this new frontier in voting.
"I whole-heartedly endorse the SureCheck 3000," said NY Senator Maramaduke Dumblebaum, "and I would trust it in any election in which I ran, and not just because I support Integrated Technologies and the rest of the American military industrial complex."
The cerebral stenographer is proprietary technology I.T. developed for Time Ship 1, which is used for the Post's defunct Temporal News Program.
It was supposed to keep tabs on Chrone Osphere, humanity's first chrononaut.
It failed.
